Who doesn’t procrastinate?

  • I am too busy.
  • I am too tired.
  • I don’t have the energy.
  • I am too scared.
  • I don’t know where to start.

These are the most common excuses people use when they procrastinate—delay doing what they need to do. How many of these have you personally used?

According to the American Psychological Association, almost 80% of the people surveyed admit to lying to themselves about the reasons they put off doing things.

So, who doesn’t procrastinate?    The short answer is–nobody.  You’re human, and nobody is productive 100% of the time. But some people have allowed procrastination to thoroughly pervade their lives so much that they don’t realize how much of this non-renewable resource they’re losing.  Whatever kind of future, lifestyle, quest you seek, you need time to achieve mastery and time to make it stick.   

Procrastination is often confused with laziness or plain lack of self-discipline. The truth is that people who procrastinate frequently do so because they are perfectionists who fear making mistakes.  When we face difficult or unpleasant tasks, our brains may choose to ignore our long term interests and goal for immediate pleasure. This can lead to a vicious cycle of poor performance and low self-esteem.

So, what are you to do? Procrastinate effectively! But if we make small changes in our environment, this can help us overcome our negative feelings and increase productivity.

Simplify Your House, Simplify Your Life

Organize your house! Sometimes it’s hard for us to focus on important tasks because we have too many other little stressors creep up on us and accumulate. Physical clutter is a form of sensory overload–a stressor, can lead to mental chaos.  So use your procrastinated time to organize around your house. Take out the trash, wash the dishes, vacuum the floor, get rid of things you haven’t seen or touched for the last 24 months and probably won’t ever again 😉

The key to staying organized is focusing on one shelf or drawer at a time, tackling each one as efficiently as possible so that every part of your home stays tidy.

This “mental” state of clutter has been associated with depression and anxiety, among other conditions. Once you have removed your physical clutter, you’ll gain mental clarity and will have some space in your head to tackle the real work.

p.s. Once you’re done with the physical clutter, you might want to do a digital decluttering of your devices.

Offload Your Mental Tabs

No wonder you can’t concentrate on work!  Your mind is constantly going through all the calls you need to make, keeping track of to do list, and basically trying to make sure you survive well. Help yourself right now by making those important calls and writing down all your to do’s.  You’ve got a lot going on inside the brain, and when you can write down your appointments and to do’s, why stress your brain out by keeping them only in your mind?  If your brain were a browser, you don’t want to open up 100 different tabs at the same time.  Even Einstein’s brain would start to process slower with the strain!

Real Connections

You feel guilty–you’ve been meaning to check in on some very important people in your life and return those calls and emails, but your schedule has been hectic. Well, what are you doing now, procrastinating? No time is better than now. There are people who are important to you, right? So, use that non-working time on them.

Humans are social creatures, we need human connections in order to be emotionally and mentally healthy.  Meaningful relationships where you’ll get these real connections can only be sustained if they are bilateral.  We can’t have strong relationship if we’re not there for the people who matter.

Discover Yourself

Take the time to unlock what’s truly within you through curaFUN’s guided journals and fun quizzes that help build emotional wellness, confidence, resilience and discipline. Download the Quest Depot app now to learn more! Spend your procrastination time in a more meaningful way to appreciate who you are as a person, learn and grow, and develop within. You’ll come out of this ready to take on any work project put in front of you.

Circulate

We all have those days where we just sit at our desk and nothing comes out of our brains.  If so, why not move around a bit to get your circulation going.  Countless research tells us that exercise not only help reduce stress levels and provide energy, but it also improves moods and can improve cognitive performance.

So go outside and take a walk around the block or a local park. Even 6 minutes of exercise can make a big difference. 

Some physical activity may be just what you need to get back to your focused, productive self. You’ll become better able to handle that project, and your body will thank you too.

.True Rest

This is probably what you’ve been needing all along. Modern life drags us in a zillion different directions—work, family, social media, fitness, finances, school, friends….and the list goes on.  If you find yourself more distracted and procrastinating more, your body may begging you for some true rest.

Rest

noun
the refreshing quiet or repose of sleep:a good night’s rest.
refreshing ease or inactivity after exertion or labor:to allow an hour for rest.
relief or freedom, especially from anything that wearies, troubles, or disturbs.
a period or interval of inactivity, repose, solitude, or tranquillity:to go away for a rest.
mental or spiritual calm; tranquillity.

I’ve included the dictionary definition of rest here because so many of us stay on our devices to take a break when we’ve been working online all day long.  True rest means giving yourself a break from what you’ve been doing–some elements of inactivity is necessary to achieve this. 

Without proper rest, it’s hard to show up and shine, especially when you face challenges. Clear your mind and incorporate meditation in that rest period, do some breathing exercises. Sometimes just closing your eyes and listening to some good music puts us right where we need to be.  

The next time you find yourself endlessly “looking for inspirations” on Instagram, Pinterest, Deviantart, TikTok…., try one of the tips in this article, you may find the genius is within yourself.

When we procrastinate, we almost always doom our futures and create more stress. Time is not a commodity. We can never get it back and we should always be aware of that. When we waste time, we are wasting our most valuable resource. The key to beating procrastination is finding the right balance between short-term mood repairs and longer-term goals.

This is why Quest Depot is invaluable to people who procrastinate.  Quest Depot is an unconventional personal growth system that replaces goal setting guides, progress trackers, guided journals, reward charts, and automatically applies the right motivation methods for you and proven productivity proven tools and techniques, so you achieve and live life to the fullest!

It’s time to get things done. If you’re going to procrastinate, do it effectively and still achieve all of your goals every time. Give yourself a chance. There’s nothing to lose. Take your power back at Quest Depot today!

Write The Soundtrack of Your Life

When you’re sad, mad, frustrated…, it can be hard to tell what will make you feel better. Maybe you want someone who will just listen without being too nosy, or you might tell yourself distractions like ice cream or TV will soothe, but sometimes, what we really need is time alone to write. This article gives you some tips on how to use writing as a self-care tool.

Throughout my life, I have often used writing as a tool to work through difficulties, make better decisions, and express myself more fully and honestly than I could talking in person.

Shrek was right! People are like onions, covered under layers of expectations, fears, past traumas, pretenses… The act of writing thoughts down is beneficial for a few reasons beyond just getting our thoughts out. When we write our thoughts and feelings down on paper, it gives us a chance to pause and creates the necessary distance to uncover what we are actually feeling, making it easier to identify the root of issues. Logical fallacies and hurried conclusions reveal themselves as we put ink to them.

Many think of writing as a chore—something they struggle to do for school/work—but when you journal-write for yourself, it’s therapeutic, rewarding and insightful. Journaling is a way to get in touch with your thoughts, feelings, and struggles without the fear of judgement.

There is an old saying that says, “you cannot see the world for what it is, only for what you are.” It means that our actions are responses to how we perceive the world. The stories we tell ourselves every day have a huge impact on our lives. These internal dialogues are like what soundtracks are for movies. You might just overlook the soundtracks as unimportant background noises until you find that It’s hard to laugh in even the best comedies when you pair them with suspenseful horror movie soundtracks. When we write, we explore these stories, discover blindspots, and are given the opportunity to start re-writing past wrongs and planning for a different life outcome. What soundtrack does the movie of your life play?

It’s important to pay attention to what is happening in your life and not just keep it all in. Writing about what happened can help you process it better, which is why many psychologists have started recommending journaling as an effective stress relief technique for patients who don’t want to take medication or participate in talk therapy. Journaling demands that you think deeply about your life and experiences. For some, journaling is a way to talk about their anxiety or depression, while for others it is a way to process trauma or abuse they have had in their past. 

The psychological benefits of writing include self-exploration, emotional release, stress reduction, pain distraction, physical healing and much more.  A study was done at Stanford University on patients who were admitted into the hospital for cancer treatments. The studies found that those who wrote every day for two or more hours had better outcomes than those who did not write anything at all. Other research found that writing about traumatic events can lessen the intensity of negative thoughts and feelings about the event in the long term. 

Writing therapy is not only a great way to express your thoughts and feelings, it can also help pinpoint things that you need to work on. Sometimes it can be used as an emotional outlet for memories or feelings too difficult to talk about. People often feel safer when they write about their thoughts and feelings in private, which can make it easier for them to explore their deepest emotions without fear that someone will reject them or judge them negatively.

Journaling is a way to shape your life the way you want it. It gives you a chance to rewrite your life’s story and make it better.  It can help us express ourselves better, process what has happened in our lives more clearly, find inspiration for the future, or unburden ourselves from the things that weigh us down.Journaling is also an opportunity to shift perspective by stepping outside of ourselves. The guided journal prompts from curaFUN help you gain a broader perspective on things you have experienced and open up new ways of thinking about them. It can also help you identify patterns in your life which might not be readily apparent otherwise.

Writing therapy has been clinically proven to improve one’s mental wellbeing. curaFUN’s Quest Depot integrates guided journal, emotional awareness, goal setting, progress tracking and reward/motivation system all in one visual interface that leverages positive social influence, gamification and psychology.  In place of the daunting blank journal page, users selects their current mood emoji and then write or speak (speech to text) their responses to journal prompts.

If you want to start journaling on your own, below are some ideas to get you started.

 The WDEP model

A four-step process that can help you think about what you want to achieve, and how to go about it.

●  Wants. What do you want?

This might be something like “I’d like to start my own business” or “I need more time for myself”.

●  Doing. What are you doing to get what you want?

You can also make a list of things that might help you get closer to your goal. For example, these might include taking on extra work, finding a new job, or hiring an assistant.

●  Evaluate. Is what you are doing helping you get to what you want?

●  Plan. Can you make a more effective plan to get what you want?

Evaluate how successful you are after trying this method and plan accordingly for future obstacles.

ABC model

This is the basis of behavior therapy. It replicates the natural process of learning and understanding of human behavior, which starts with an event or antecedent that leads to a behavior or belief, which in turn leads to a consequence.A: Activating event or antecedent

B: Beliefs and thoughts about this event; what we tell ourselves about it

C: Emotions and subsequent actions that result from this belief system

Though the therapeutic benefits of writing are undeniable, it is important to note that it is not always a replacement for therapy. Journaling can, however, help us become more emotionally aware and process negative events which have happened in our lives. For many, it is a way to help them feel safe in this scary world. 

Writing is always free, private and available.  So start journaling to take care of yourself!

Is Your House a Pressure Cooker? How To Fight Less And Reduce Family Conflicts

Are you more polite/considerate/presentable/tidier/ in public or at home with family?  

Amazingly, many people treat complete strangers better than they treat their own spouse or children. We blurt out hurtful comments, leave a mess, expect 24/7 help and behave in ways we wouldn’t dare with people who care less about us and people who should matter less than those closest to us.  As important as it is to treat others well, it’s even more important to treat those we love better.

Home should be a safe harbor, but unless you live alone, you’ll inevitably get into arguments at home.  The trick is to learn how to reduce family conflicts, negotiate effectively and show appreciation frequently.  We decide what goals, relationships or vices we nurture with how we spend our time each day.  I discussed self-discipline and time-management in the blog post, Wield the Power of Discipline Towards Your Goal. Make sure you invest enough time creating shared experiences with your spouse and children to deepen your family ties.

Boost Communication Skills To Reduce Conflicts

Most family conflicts are rooted in miscommunication, so developing communication skills and finding out how each member of your family prefers to communicate help to improve your family dynamics. (Plus taking personality quizzes is fun!)  During difficult conversations, a good tip is to respond by repeating what the other person has said so there’s no doubt about their intended meaning. This simple step improves communication in multiple ways.  First, no two people have exactly the same life experiences and perspectives, and no matter how well you know your spouse/parent/child, don’t assume you know exactly how they feel and communicate 100% of the time.  The second benefit of this communication tip lies in our need to connect.   People often communicate to get recognition and acceptance of how they feel, and the simple act of repeating what they have said is the best support you can offer.

Quiz Cat: No Quiz found

Eyeroll, contemptuous glance, dismissive smirk…  Our non-verbal communication matters just as much as what we say.  So be mindful of your tone of voice, facial expressions and body language.  When you speak in a kind tone, arguments are less likely to start. You can further improve your family’s communication by letting everyone know that all feelings are ok but not all behaviors are.  Feelings are just one of our senses just like sight and touch.  Not much good comes from trying to dispute how another person feels.  But we do have a choice in how we think, express and do about our emotions.  Make your home a safe harbor for your entire family by keeping communication open and building trust.  When in doubt, give each the benefit of the doubt.

How to Negotiate Well

Why do fights/conflicts/arguments occur? They happen when someone’s needs aren’t being met.  So when arguments do arise, focus on the purpose and root cause of the arguments.  You can boost communications skills to avoid miscommunication and conflicts.

  1. Clear Request  

Household arguments often escalate and go on and on because there are no clear requests. One person dishes out one complaint after another while the person on the receiving end gets defensive and responds with insults or attacks.  When you complain, make sure to let the other person know what you want.  Here is a system that you may want to try:

It bugs me when you ____________________.  I wish you would ________________________.

  1. Time out! 

Take a step back if it becomes a shouting match with one insult after another. Ask for five minutes to think about what’s already been said.   When people disagree, it’s easy to turn confrontational, competitive and escalate trivial disagreements into power struggles.  A short time out can remind you that you love each other not enemies to conquer.  Agree as a household that it’s ok to have a time out during arguments. 

Bravely Apologize.  Weak communicators sometimes argue, insult and yell as a form of reaching out for help.   Remember conflicts occur only when needs are unmet. You may have said or done something unknowingly that hurt the other person through no fault of your own. Listen to the other person’s side of the story before jumping to defend yourself.  If apologies are due, be brave enough to apologize.  

Tips specific to reducing conflicts between your kids.

1.     Avoid comparing your children.  Kids are always on the lookout for any signs of unfairness so don’t give them a chance!   Be sure to let your children know how special they are. They’re individuals and should be treated that way

2.     Establish boundaries and household responsibilities. This will let them know what’s expected of them. Include rules about how they should treat one another. Let them know that hitting and name-calling are off limits in your home. Decide as a family what the consequences will be if they break the rules. 

3.     Give each child 1-on-1 attention. Sibling rivalry usually stems from perceived favoritism and trying to get more of their parent’s attention and love.

Consider taking each of your children on their own “dates.”  Children want to feel special and crave your attention.  Your dates don’t need to be extravagant.  Even a walk in the park followed by a treat will be treasured by your child when you let them know this date is JUST for them.  Invent your own special ritual. If you reinforce to each child that they’re special and that you love them, they’ll have less reason for arguing and more reason to dwell in the family’s love.

In the long run, we each have the power to decide whether or not to argue. If you decide that you won’t be dragged into an argument, the argument will often end of its own accord.

Wield The Power of Discipline Toward Your Dreams

Have you ever envied anyone who has better grades, bigger house, more recognition, popularity.. and grumbled “Why did she get xxx and not me?!?*#”  It’s easy to look at people who seem to have it all–beauty, fitness, great career, wealth, freedom and tell ourselves that it’s all luck.  Malcolm Gladwell wrote in his bestseller book, Outliers, that all successful people who achieved mastery in any area have devoted at least 10,000 hours to it. No exceptions.  

We live in a culture of instant gratification and overnight fame.  The youtube star that you believe to have gained fame overnight has hours of disciplined practice that people don’t see. . 10,000 seems like an insurmountable number, but when you’re consistent, a small step forward each day adds up to a lot of mileage over time.    Your life is too important to just leave it to chance. To guarantee success, harness the power of discipline. 

Free Success Fortune Telling Chart

What it takes to top the Billboard chart, win the Wimbleton, best-selling author, Nobel prize winning scientist, world renowned violinist

5 days a week 6 days a weekEveryday 
1 hour / day38.5 years (260 hours / yr)32 years(312 hours / yr)27 years(365 hours / yr)
2 hours / day19 years(520 hours / yr16 years624 hours / yr14 years730 hours/ yr
3 hours / day13 years78011 years9369 years1095
4 hours / day10 years10408 years12486.8 years1460
5 hours / day7.7 years13006.4 years15605.5 years1825

P.s. If you’re aiming for the best in your city, country, the bar would lower and you’d get to your target level of mastery sooner than what the chart below indicates.

Time is an egalitarian, limited commodity.  No matter your age, race, intelligence, wealth, we all have the same number of hours each day.  The power to steer the direction of your life is in your hands!  How do you choose to spend your time? Are the little things you do each day adding up to something positive? Do they lead you to where you want to go in life? 

With consistent action over the next 10 or 20 years, what could you accomplish? 30 minutes of extra math practice each day / 5 days per week equals 130 hours in 1 year–surely a time investment that would get you an improvement of a full letter grade in math.  Five small pieces of chocolate over the same duration is roughly 25,000 calories, or the equivalent of over 7 lbs.  4 hours in front of the TV everyday gets you to become a world class TV watcher in less than 7 years. 

Are your consistent behaviors helping or harming where you want to go in life? Be disciplined enough to make your dreams come true.  

Groundhog Day 

If you re-live today for the next 10 years, where would you end up? (It’s a classic.  Go watch it here if you haven’t seen it yet.”)

An effective way to predict your success is to honestly examine your average day and project the likely logical outcome into the future. It’s a no brainer that  if you saved just a small amount of money each day, you’d eventually be wealthy. If you overeat slightly each day, you are guaranteed to gain weight. Your teeth aren’t clean because you brushed them for an hour straight. They’re healthy because you brushed them for 2 minutes twice a day for 365 days straight.

For one week, carefully record how you spend your time in 30-minute increments everyday.  Consider where your daily habits and behaviors are leading you academically,  financially, socially, spiritually, and physically. What logical conclusions do your daily activities predict?

3 Steps for More Self-Discipline

1.   Set success on auto-pilot.     Good habits decrease resistance and help make self-discipline easier because research shows that people have a finite amount of self-discipline .  By building good habits, you’re creating helpful, positive actions that are automatic and don’t require you to use up your reserve of self-discipline. Relying on discipline day after day is an uphill battle. While discipline can grow with effort and the right training, having helpful habits is more effective and much less painful.  To make sure habits stick, Tie them to environmental triggers or something you already do to encourage consistency.  I discussed habits more in this article.

2. Just do it.  The greatest barrier to self-discipline is procrastination. Each day, you have the choice to get closer to making your dreams come true.  Each day lost is lost forever, so if it’s the right thing to do, then isn’t it worth doing right now?

3.  Have reasonable expectations. When your time horizon is unrealistic or when you ask too much of yourself too soon, disappointment and frustration are sure to follow, and  you doom yourself to give up. Be positive and enthusiastic, but be reasonable. Focus on your trajectory and aim for regular and consistent improvement. Perfection isn’t required.

Whatever your dreams are, you need self-discipline to make it happen.  What you do once in a while doesn’t impact your life significantly. Rather, it’s what you do consistently with discipline.  All of curaFUN’s social emotional training programs build up children’s self-discipline with consistent practice of critical skills in dynamic, gamified formats. Click here to find a program appropriate for your child today with a 30-day money-back guarantee.

Thinking Outside of the Box Yourself for a Happier Life

Much of our own unhappiness and the world’s problems disappears when we can put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. Everyone has a different story, and understanding their perspectives not only make you feel better about any situations (even upsetting ones) but improve your overall happiness.

Babies start out in life completely egocentric, only aware of and concerned with their own needs, and slowly realize that the world does not only revolve around themselves. Children need empathy to cooperate, lead, communicate and make friends well.  The Oxford dictionary defines empathy as “the ability to share someone else’s feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person’s situation.”  In other words, empathy starts with perspective-taking. 

How do you teach perspective-taking?

For a skill to truly become an inner strength, it needs to be frequently reinforced, and what better way than planning skill practice into the fun things you already do.  A popular dinner-time conversation topic in our family is plot and character analysis. We discuss movie/book characters’ motivations, personality traits and reasoning and how these factors influence their actions.  We also try to problem solve for these characters, turning any story into a choose-your-own-ending book.  This is a fun and effective exercise for teaching perspectives and growth mindset.  By discussing children’s movies, cartoons, games this way, parents and teachers help build empathy and make the connection between our thoughts, actions, and outcome.

Below are some conversation starters for you.

1.  Who was your favorite character in this movie? And why?

2.  What problems did your favorite character face?  Can you think of any other ways to resolve these conflicts?

3.  Which character did you dislike in this story? Why?

4.  What was the villain’s journey?  How would you rewind and change the story for the villain to take a better path?

You may also use fractured fairy tales like this one, The True Story of the Three Little Pigs, where traditional fairy tales take on a different spin or alternate ending.  Fractured fairy tales and fan fictions are great ways to get children interested in writing, reading, exploring their creativity, and practicing perspective-taking.

Parents, media and employers frequently complain about this generation being entitled, lazy and sheltered.  Compared to those who grew up during the Great Depression, when people lived through wearing flour sacks and conserving food, today’s youth haven’t experienced such perspective to practice frugality. People’s actions reflect their thoughts and worldview, so any growth in perspective-taking will help them gain resiliency and adaptability. 

When we learn to take different perspectives, we gain in gratitude, contentment and tolerance. Multiple studies highlight the dramatic difference gratitude makes in people’s life satisfaction AND outcome.  The human brain prioritizes negative experiences over positive ones, so we need to compensate by deliberately reflecting on our successes and good moments. Researchers found that showing gratitude (whether it’s for a person, situation, or physical object) boosts our happiness, sociability and wellbeing by as much as 25%.

Writing about positive experiences and gratitude benefits both the readers and authors, and it is one of the reasons why curaFUN is hosting the Shining Moments Writing Contest.  I highly encourage you to check out what our community has shared here, submit an entry yourself or comment and cheer on those who posted. 

Keeping a gratitude journal and handwriting thank you notes are two more practical ideas for adding more positivity and taking different perspectives.  Most of us acknowledge the benefits of journaling and gratitude, but we haven’t made them a habit and natural part of our daily routine.  Instead of pinterest-share worthy, long gratitude journals, easily-achieved short gratitude practices may work better for you to jumpstart a good new habit. Remember, consistency is key when it comes to making it happen, getting thins done. Below is a quick prompt that my family use every day before bedtime when we go around sharing our answers to The Daily 3, adults included.

Captivating fractured fairy tales that my family has enjoyed:

Why is it always hard to establish relationships? Know your attachment style.

You ask for a babysitter to help take care of your children, because you have something urgent that you must deal with. And then you come home after you have finished your task. What do you think the caregiver will say about your child? It would be “he/she’s such a nice kid, he/she stopped crying after I tried to comfort him/her instantly.” Or do you think it would be “he/she couldn’t stop crying, and his/her emotions were really intense.” What about the reaction of the child when he/she sees you come back? He/she smiled and rushed forward to hug you, or was throwing tantrum at you, thinking, “Mom, you have gone for so long, don’t you want me?” Or he/she just played with his/her toys quietly, with nearly no reaction at all?

Those reactions can give you a glimpse of the child’s attachment style. Different attachment styles in children were summarized by scholar Mary Ainsworth with her the stranger situation test. And this attachment theory is a groundbreaking argument put forward by her teacher, John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist. He believed that this is a system that is inherent in humans, and the attachment can enable babies to survive safely. Bowlby discovered during World War II that many children became orphans because of the loss of their families. They have been properly taken care of, and they were provided with food, clothing, and safety, but they still died easily. He observed that this was due to the fact that these children did not establish a secure attachment. Having a secure attachment relationship can make a child feel at ease, because the child knows that there is a secure base (that is, a caregiver who can take care of him/her) and that secure base can protect himself/herself. The child knows he/she can be comforted as long as he/she returns to this secure base after he /she is frightened, or he/she feels uncomfortable. And because of this the child has better emotional regulation ability, and he/she is more confident in himself, and can bravely explore the unknown. Overall, the child will have better physical and mental health.

There are four types of attachment styles, namely, secure attachment, anxious-ambivalent attachment ,dismissive-avoidant attachment , and disorganized attachment.

People with secure attachment can feel comfortable with their relationships with others around them, can easily get close to others without too much worry, and have better adaptability when they are faced with all kind of things. Children with secure attachment grow up with their parents being keenly aware of and respond to their own needs. This is not to say that parents must be with the child 24/7 to check if he/she is hungry or cold, but they must be able to properly observe what kind of care the child needs. As long as the child can be in a safe and good-quality childcare center, coupled with the keen ability of the parents, it is easy to raise a child with secure attachment. Whether one of the parents is a full-time parent, or whether the child receives daycare care is not a factor that affects if the child will have a secure attachment. It is the sensitive care of the parents that determines if the child will be secure attachment style.

People with avoidant attachment are less interested in establishing close relationships. Because when they were babies, their parents may be negligent or simply not sure how to deal with his/her needs. The children may have tried to express their needs to their children many times, but they were ignored, and this made them develop the idea that “I am on my own and it’s better that I count on no one else but me.” The children will be bizarrely independent. This does not mean that they do not have negative feelings, they will try not to acknowledge their feelings.

People with anxious attachments desire to establish intimacy, but they feel scared when establishing relationships, worrying that there will be something that’s gonna jeopardize the relationship, and it is easy for them to get upset. Compared with the previous secure attachment and avoidant attachment, such people are prone to experience emotional ups and downs, and it is especially hard for them to adjust. If they encounter setbacks, it will take a particularly long time to recover. When they were young, they would choose to cry even more hard when they discovered that their parents hadn’t noticed their needs.

People with disorganized attachment have the characteristics of avoidant attachment style and anxiety attachment style, and they often feel worried, afraid, and fearful of building relationships with others. Because when they were young, they may feel that their parents give them love, but they are also who cause them pain at the same time. This usually happens to abused children.

Researchers believe that genes are not the main reason that determines the attachment style, it’s the interactive influence of innate and nurturing that will deeply affect the child ‘s attachment style. The attachment style will accompany a person throughout his/her life, affecting how he/she views himself, the world, and others. At the same time, there will be various sparks when getting along with people of different types of attachment styles. For example, your friends who have anxious attachment will tend to find others to complain and seek comfort when they are troubled. If you have friends with avoidant attachment, you will notice that when they encounter problems, they will like to have some space of their own.

If you are not a safe attachment style, or if you have observed that your child is not a secure attachment style, then there is no need to worry, let alone self-blame, because that does not mean that you can only be an insecure attachment style for the rest of your life. Because the attachment style can be changed through the process of self-awareness, psychological counseling, etc. We can understand ourselves better and try to pay attention to the moment when we make some behaviors and stop to think about what is happening now. You can also try to use the tips provided by child psychologists for getting along with your children to create a better parent-child relationship. Let us work together with your children, and learn to become secure attachment style.

Reference:

依戀效應 為什麼我們總是在愛中受傷 在人際關係中受挫? 皮特·羅文海姆著,廖綉玉翻